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Making new friends - KorJax - 06-22-2010
This is kind of gay and pathetic but it's something I need to get off my chest.
WARNING INCOMING LIFE STORY
So basically I moved to Ohio when I was 10-11 years old. I had a few friends from down in atlanta where I used to live, but obviously only a couple my entire time there due to obvious reasons (racism, "gang-mentality" being cool, etc) and a lot of my people-to-people experience was through my older sister who's "Type-A" personality type made it so she could basically befriend anyone.
But life was still good because I did a lot of cool things as a kid, even though my only good friend (the "I'll stand up for you" type) was one that only lived in our area for about a year before he moved. He was a real inspiration to me, and the way he valued friendship struck a chord that is still there to this day (and I think what drives me the most).
Anyways I moved. I made friends with my neighbors up here in ohio, but I never really liked them. We didn't have too much in common and the default of "just being cool around each other" didn't happen to much because I didn't like his personality all that well. My real friends throughout all of middleschool and high school I met and grew to know through the boyscouts which I joined when I was 11.
Again these friends I didn't have a whole lot in common with at first but all of us grew together as we did boyscout outings together and we all kind of developed a few similar interests. Camping/outdoorsy stuff (which I pretty much did every month till the end of highschool with them), magic: the gathering (never played seriously with them or anything though, and I would always borrow their massive stockpile of cards), and console games. Though I was never that into console games it was still fun to play games with them like any other friend would right? Might sound normal to most people but it feels like a novelty to me because I've never known anyone outside myself and my sister who actually liked to play video games or any other kind of "geek" culture.
I was never the "center" of our group of friends due to my personality type and me being insecure about myself growing up (thank you homosexuality and all my other interests!), but it was still good.
Anyways, high school happened and then went. My high school wa pretty much as steriotypical "americana" as you can get. If you wern't involved or didn't know someone in band, drumline, or sports, you pretty much didn't associate with anyone. Our school didn't really have a "geek culture" and we didn't have anything beyond the standard textbook "high school" groupees. Anyways me and my friends all drifted apart as each of us started to do our own little thing after high school was over. I never did actually get their phone numbers or anything. But like I said I never related to any of them on a personal level beyond "I enjoy hanging out" so calling my friends up and just chatting with them was something completely alien to me.
Suddenly I found myself in the freedom of college and by myself in the world, with the only people I really socialized with being internet friends (who WERE all people I could completely relate to interest wise or personality wise, but obvious they didn't live near me). It's been about two years since then, and I've realized just how much I still don't know what to do with myself as a person. I've also missed my old friends and old times with them but because of my insecurities about myself as a person growing up and that "lack of many similar interests" I've never really felt to connected with them.
Fast forward to this year, where out of the blue I get an e-mail from someone saying they read some profile I had up online that I lived in Dayton area and he was interested in chatting. We talked pretty much nonstop for two weeks straight and met up a couple of times to. For the first time in my entire life, I've actually met someone who has similar interests as me on most levels and is also someone I can relate to as a person. Plays PC games, like really geek-centric stuff (like warhammer), reading, camping/hiking/outdoorsy stuff, is actually a furry (I'm not a HUGE furry but I find a taste in it), likes animals, is also gay, etc.
Except he's also everything that I've always wished for in myself. He's lived in virginia during high school. In virginia, he has had a lot of friends just like him or similar to him enough that he can relate to on more than one or two things. His school did have a "geek culture" to it. He's lived a pretty successful social life despite being kinda introverted. He has done things with his interests that I used to only dream of doing but never could, never knew enough people, or just never knew the right people who had similar interests to me (like paintballing regularly, hiking in colorado/arizona/niagra falls, playing table top games, playing serious games of magic in tournys and stuff, watching movies all the time with friends, going to lan parties all the time, etc). These are all things I've always wished I could have experienced growing up but this area simply didn't have that kind of "scene" if you will.
So naturally you can imagine just how envious I was of him and just how much I wanted to actually make a new friend that I could have fun and do stuff like the above with.
Anyways, on the third week we knew each other, he's asked me out. Foolishly I agreed despite me wanting to get to know him better, and despite me being who I was: someone who didn't know how to actually make and be friends with someone I could relate to. I've never told him any of this, and he probably went in on dating me and being my friend assuming that I've done a lot of similar things that he has because of my interests.
Fast forward to today, where a week ago he broke up with me because of reason's I mentioned in the FML thread and I won't get into that because he's not what this thread is about. But right now I feel terrible about my life, because I blew a friendship with the only person I've ever known in person that I've actually related to beyond one or two things.
LIFE STORY OVER BRO!
TL;DR: Never had a lot of friends growing up, made good friends when I was 11 though I never felt particularly connected with them. I've never made a new friend since, because I stayed friends with them all the way up through high school. High school was over, we all went our different ways, and I find myself pretty much alone. Met a guy for the first time in my life I can relate to on more than one point, but I blow it because of my lack of friend-making and understanding about myself.
ANYWAYS the point of this thread is... I've pretty much forgotten how to make new friends and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm 20 years old, I go to school, work about 20-24 hours a week at a new job, etc. Summer has arrived adn the only people I really know and can do things with are my older sister and her fiance who I both roomate with. They are great and all and I can relate to them on more than one level, but they are so type-a personality and frankly they are also family so it's not the same.
I feel like a fool but I don't know how to make new friends and after my episode with me ruining my friendship and relationship with my ex-boyfriend as of last week, I've realized just how much I am missing out on life. But I just don't know how to meet people I am interested in getting to know... and having them be interested in me. I can't help but feel like I'm an old dog who can't learn a (very basic) new trick whcih is getting to know and be friends with new people.
But the problem is that I feel like there is nothing here. Nothing to do, and no one who actually shares mutual interests around here with me. And now that I'm in college, everyone either already has friends, is only looking for friends within their cliques that they have been with since high school, or I simply only interact with them for a couple of months before we all move on to take completely different classes.
I'd love to go and go on an exciting outdoor adventure, love to do a lan party, love to do all sorts of things that I've never been able to do before but I've only known one person who likes that kind of stuff but I messed that up. And it doesn't help that he thinks that I've always had friends like him (like he has), when in reality I haven't, and I'm pretty sure I came off as a little boring because of it.
Anyways, what do I do? How can I make new friends at the age of freedom when I don't even know where to go? I don't have a school in which I interact with the same people year round that I could try and be friends with, there arn't any "groups" that I've ever heard about around where I live where I can find people with my interests, and simply put I don't even know how to approach those situations. And frankly most people I've seen want friends with people that also have friends that they could hang out and be around.
I'm just so hopelessly lost with myself right now. Ever since high school was over, I've been spending most of time indoors just doing my own thing, looking outside and wanting to experience friendship again so bad. But my lack of experience, my desperation, and the fact that I can't find a single soul in my area who has close to the same interests ever since I moved here has crippled my confidence in this area, and I don't know where to start.
Any help, any insights?
Re: Making new friends - Luinbariel - 06-22-2010
I could use some of this advice too... I've not had to make a good friend or any friend really for a long time, but now that my best friend has moved away, I find myself kind of stuck.
I've been trying so far but I doubt my advice is useful. I met a friend through a group of friends, someone that seemed to have some stuff in common with me, so I just invited her to play games with me at first, and then to see if she wanted to go hang out somewhere together for an afternoon, and just took it from there. It's kind of rocky, though, for various reasons but it was the best I could do.
I've met a few others through school but it's the same thing; it's hard to push it from acquaintances into friends.
I wish I could offer you some actual advice... just be on the lookout, someone will come by.
Re: Making new friends - KorJax - 06-22-2010
Oh and my ex/could-have-been-best-friend also had a few interests that I thought were interesting too, such as being a major fan of trying new resturants, scifi/fantasy tv series, and foreign nations. Being the way that I was though I didn't know how to approach these.
I was genuinely interested in getting to know them and/or trying them out myself but I didn't really know how to approach trying "new interests" with someone else so I never really mentioned anything about it. Which probably caused him to grow more disconnected with me.
Re: Making new friends - Vandamguy - 06-22-2010
good post +1 would read again , you have big nuts sur. ill piggy back on this a bit and throw in that I really never made going through school or work. so i can respect where you're coming from. Got some solid advice from an acquaintance who has removed me from her facebook for some reason (probably my lack of contact , oh well).
Anyways.
two word mashup.
Meetups.
I shouldn't really need to explain what it is, but what I want you to do is start searching here >http://www.meetup.com/< for things you want to do in your area. By nature these events should be inviting and let you experience the things you said you were missing out on, and the people at these meetups will already be sharing an interest you have.
Odds of finding a someone that is going to be more than a friend is low, but that's not the purpose here. If you're looking for something like that then there's other websites to search. Start with http://www.Plentyoffish.com , it'll give you the option of sorting by sexuality at the least. then friendship/dating/whatever from there.
Re: Making new friends - Surf314 - 06-22-2010
In blink they said most friends think they have a lot in common but really they just like to do the same things. So the best way to make friends my guess is to find something you really like to do that other people do in the same area? I dunno I haven't made any friends since all my college ones went away. But when I was doing kung fu we had kung fu sushi and movies. And when I was doing rock climbing I generally ended up chatting with random strangers. So I think the premise is solid.
Too bad online gaming has you meeting people from all over the fucking planet.
Re: Making new friends - Odin - 06-22-2010
I can kind of relate to the highschool experience, having just left it myself with only a handful of friends and no experience in relationships. I also have a hard time making friends, I'm a very shy person when it comes to face-to-face interactions. However, my advice is similar to Surf's. You mentioned you like some of the geekier things like LAN parties, Warhammer, and MTG (hey, who doesn't like them ;P). You could start your search by trying to get a handle on where these things might occur in your community. Is there a Games Workshop or hobby store nearby? Even a comic book shop sometimes sells cards or miniatures. Just look out for these places, and ask the clerk there if they have any events in something you're interested in. LAN parties might be a bit harder to find, since they usually arn't advertised, but if you can find out where one is going on and casually ask for an invitation, you can probably meet dozens of people, and maybe get invited to the next one.
Good luck with your search!
Re: Making new friends - KorJax - 06-22-2010
Well stuff like Warhammer/MTG is all really expensive and I never got into spending lots of money twoards them because I never had any other friends who cared about that stuff. And frankly I wouldn't want to spend a lot of effort and such getting into it without having said friends who would also be interested. I mean my high school friends did play magic, but never more than "casual play when meeting up" and neither I.
Re: Making new friends - If-I-Die-Its-Lag - 06-22-2010
My two cents:
At least you got Brb.u.
Re: Making new friends - Didzo - 06-22-2010
(06-22-2010, 07:40 PM)If-I-Die-Its-Lag link Wrote: My two cents:
At least you got Brb.u.
It's like the blind leading the blind.
:-\
Re: Making new friends - Surf314 - 06-22-2010
(06-22-2010, 08:06 PM)Didzo link Wrote: [quote author=If-I-Die-Its-Lag link=topic=4743.msg159947#msg159947 date=1277253636]
My two cents:
At least you got Brb.u.
It's like the blind leading the blind.
:-\
[/quote]
I lolled
Re: Making new friends - SAVAGE-0 - 06-22-2010
i didnt read the full thing bc im drunk and dont feel like it...
but I haven't had any friends for almost a year now... and I used to be extremely popular in both HS and college... it sucks, but thing tend to work out in the end
Re: Making new friends - rumsfald - 06-22-2010
Develop the capacity to be alone.
This is the same thing that Tim and Dave are always telling Zane - the more you learn to be confident with yourself the more others will be comfortable with you.
Re: Making new friends - CaffeinePowered - 06-22-2010
The geek's dating/meetup site
Atom gets poon off of it, I got pressured into it by another friend, since then 6 dates, 2 repeats, soon to be 7 this weekend
I echo what Vandam says, use online tools to find people -> meet IRL
Re: Making new friends - Chief - 06-22-2010
![[Image: 32583735.jpg]](http://img293.imageshack.us/img293/6053/32583735.jpg)
found this picture a long time ago
hope it helps but i wouldnt know im pretty bad with giving advice :/
Re: Making new friends - KorJax - 06-22-2010
Online "dating" has never been my thing though, I find meeting someone naturally or by chance as a much preferred attractive option.
Problem is that I'm starting to think that avenue just doesn't exsist for a guy like me living in this area.
And of course it also doesn't help that I just got out of a relationship I cherished with a guy who had just about every interest in common with me, but I didn't know how to approach it so he would find me interesting, and he wasn't very good at communicating himself so I never did get to know him too well once we started dating, despite me always trying to get him to talk to me or do something together every week or so...
Basicially if I can screw up being friends with the friend I've always dreamed of having then I don't even know why I am trying
Re: Making new friends - Luinbariel - 06-22-2010
You REALLY need to work on you first. With that attitude you aren't going to be impressing anyone.
Be ok with yourself first.
Re: Making new friends - KorJax - 06-22-2010
I know.
It just really upsets me that my ex-boyfriend would go from a generally caring but shy guy who wanted to hang out and do stuff with me, to start ignoring a lot of messages I send, to outright showing signs of avoidance, dumping me, then the following day run off the virginia for the whole summer without telling me while acting like a MAJOR douchbag. All the while I keep sending him messages (he never answers his phone) asking if anything is wrong and if so he should just talk to me and communicate.
I mean that's just not me thinking he's a total ass and did a major "douchebag" move right? He broke up with me via text (even though he said he wanted to talk things out the following day... never did, just ignored me) and everything. Out of nowhere, and won't even communicate himself in a clear manner. Acts like what he did was no big deal too. Maybe it isn't, and maybe I'm just being delusional and the issue is my fault.
Re: Making new friends - Luinbariel - 06-22-2010
I think you just really need to take some time to get over this, since it's still obviously a huge deal for you.
Re: Making new friends - Didzo - 06-22-2010
He might've felt stifled.
:-\
What he did still wasn't right though.
Re: Making new friends - zaneyard - 06-22-2010
(06-22-2010, 09:44 PM)rumsfald link Wrote: Develop the capacity to be alone.tim and dave are always telling me that i have downs
This is the same thing that Tim and Dave are always telling Zane - the more you learn to be confident with yourself the more others will be comfortable with you.