I Sent This to Apple

[cannedpeahes]

I got rather furious at Apple's lackluster customer support the other day, and after about a half-an-hour of being turned back at every avenue for help, I sent them a pretty incensed letter.

I thought it might be good fun to post it.

I've had a problem for some time with iPod Classic 80GB, which I purchased last summer. The problem has been occuring since at least September of last year. The iPod wasn't allowing me to put more than about 50MB of music onto it without wiping the HDD and everything I had imported.

I got a warranty to have it repaired, and had the packaging, labels, and instructions sent to me via mail. However, I lost the shipping labels that came with it. "No problem," I thought, "I'll just wait until it expires and set up another."

Months passed, without any working iPod except an old 512MB Shuffle I had found, and eventually the old one expired. I went online to set up a new one, but was told at the end of my request that I owed $30 goddamned dollars on debit... for the S&H on an object that weighs about as much as my left testicle.

I decided to call in and see if I might be able to get support by phone, and have new shipping labels sent to me that I could print off here, or something. After an exhaustive game of corporate hide-and-go-seek, I found the 1-800-APL-CARE support number in letters that might be able to orbit the nucleus of an atom, but that definitely couldn't be seen by the naked eye. I called it.

Naturally, I expect to be greeted by the machine that I connected to, and to have to talk in single syllables for a minute or two to get to a live representative. I waited patiently, "performing" each of the silly redundant steps that the Six Million Dollar Mansaphone asked me to, even the ones a trained elephant would have known to do before calling.

I waited, and I waited, and I talked like I was trying to teach English to mole rats for what seemed like hours, and then, after ten minutes on the phone with Isaac Asimov's dreamchild, he started repeating the same advice over and over.

"If you would like to hear more information about..."

No, Apple, no. I would not like to hear more fucking simpleton information about how to stick a male USB into a female, or how to authorize songs in iTunes, or how to wear my goddamned headphones. I would not. I would like to talk to a REAL, LIVING human being with thoughts and emotions and sympathy for the plight of the common Apple customer.

I would like to talk, before I can even dial your damn number, to somebody who can either bend your silly rules and get me the shipping labels, or who has the balls to tell me that your puny warranty doesn't even cover scuff marks for more than a week and a polish. There's a lesson somebody needs to learn up there at HQ, and you can take it up to Steve and shove the memo right in his tumor of a pancreas.

IF YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE SHIT PRODUCTS, BE PREPARED FOR PEOPLE TO COMPLAIN THAT THEY ARE SHIT, AND RESPOND ACCORDINGLY.

Either that, or grow a pair and tell us that you don't care. But don't make us jump through hoops, and don't pretend to be eco-and-employee-and-consumer-friendly when you are obviously as much a corporate tyrant as MicroSuck.

Regards,
WR

[ainmosni]

I got rather furious at Apple's lackluster customer support the other day, and after about a half-an-hour of being turned back at every avenue for help, I sent them a pretty incensed letter.

I thought it might be good fun to post it.

I've had a problem for some time with iPod Classic 80GB, which I purchased last summer. The problem has been occuring since at least September of last year. The iPod wasn't allowing me to put more than about 50MB of music onto it without wiping the HDD and everything I had imported.

I got a warranty to have it repaired, and had the packaging, labels, and instructions sent to me via mail. However, I lost the shipping labels that came with it. "No problem," I thought, "I'll just wait until it expires and set up another."

Months passed, without any working iPod except an old 512MB Shuffle I had found, and eventually the old one expired. I went online to set up a new one, but was told at the end of my request that I owed $30 goddamned dollars on debit... for the S&H on an object that weighs about as much as my left testicle.

I decided to call in and see if I might be able to get support by phone, and have new shipping labels sent to me that I could print off here, or something. After an exhaustive game of corporate hide-and-go-seek, I found the 1-800-APL-CARE support number in letters that might be able to orbit the nucleus of an atom, but that definitely couldn't be seen by the naked eye. I called it.

Naturally, I expect to be greeted by the machine that I connected to, and to have to talk in single syllables for a minute or two to get to a live representative. I waited patiently, "performing" each of the silly redundant steps that the Six Million Dollar Mansaphone asked me to, even the ones a trained elephant would have known to do before calling.

I waited, and I waited, and I talked like I was trying to teach English to mole rats for what seemed like hours, and then, after ten minutes on the phone with Isaac Asimov's dreamchild, he started repeating the same advice over and over.

"If you would like to hear more information about..."

No, Apple, no. I would not like to hear more fucking simpleton information about how to stick a male USB into a female, or how to authorize songs in iTunes, or how to wear my goddamned headphones. I would not. I would like to talk to a REAL, LIVING human being with thoughts and emotions and sympathy for the plight of the common Apple customer.

I would like to talk, before I can even dial your damn number, to somebody who can either bend your silly rules and get me the shipping labels, or who has the balls to tell me that your puny warranty doesn't even cover scuff marks for more than a week and a polish. There's a lesson somebody needs to learn up there at HQ, and you can take it up to Steve and shove the memo right in his tumor of a pancreas.

IF YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE SHIT PRODUCTS, BE PREPARED FOR PEOPLE TO COMPLAIN THAT THEY ARE SHIT, AND RESPOND ACCORDINGLY.

Either that, or grow a pair and tell us that you don't care. But don't make us jump through hoops, and don't pretend to be eco-and-employee-and-consumer-friendly when you are obviously as much a corporate tyrant as MicroSuck.

Regards,
WR

LOL, the only way to get good service is at the apple stores afaik. But then again that's the only place I go for service... I fucking hate shipping shit.

[cannedpeahes]

LOL, the only way to get good service is at the apple stores afaik. But then again that's the only place I go for service... I fucking hate shipping shit.

Ain, the Apple store is right down the street from you. O.o

I wish we had one here...

[zaneyard]

well played, would read again

[cannedpeahes]

-stage bow-

[Versus]

http://consumerist.com/

[Blues]

I stopped reading at "iPod" and blamed you for buying it.

[CaffeinePowered]

http://consumerist.com/

This

Also I eagerly await apple's reply (if they send one)

[Scary Womanizing Pig Mask]

well played, would read again

11/10.

[Eschatos]

That's one heavy testicle. 

[KarthXLR]

That's one heavy testicle. 

a square one at that.

[ScottyGrayskull]

Did you contact them when you lost the original shipping labels? They might've been out postage because of that.

Also, neat thing about those shitty voice menu phone systems (which are indeed, very very shitty). If you just start cursing and demand to talk to a person they'll put you right through to one. Doesn't work for all, but it has worked for me in the past. First time I couldn't stop laughing when I realized what happened. Also, most phone answering systems will take you to a person if you hit *, 0, or #. Again, not always, but still.

[cannedpeahes]

Did you contact them when you lost the original shipping labels? They might've been out postage because of that.

Also, neat thing about those shitty voice menu phone systems (which are indeed, very very shitty). If you just start cursing and demand to talk to a person they'll put you right through to one. Doesn't work for all, but it has worked for me in the past. First time I couldn't stop laughing when I realized what happened. Also, most phone answering systems will take you to a person if you hit *, 0, or #. Again, not always, but still.

I'll be sure to call them again and try that.