New/Improved Longest Thread

[x]

[Dave]

K...let's try this. http://www.mediafire.com/?4hmz2tnww5z

Where's the Fish

[fyre]

ahahahahah WTF

Flatchette Prawkins


thats your fuckign pen name?

why#!?

Umm...no. That's my real name. Something wrong with it?

your an actual stereotype,

Ya think?

i expected the girl and the hero to be played by the same person, but each half of his face was made up different.

That's an excellent idea. I will consider it.

also what is the final voice over about?

The inconsequential nature of mankind's rapacious soul.

did you write that little poem?

Yes.

;D ;D ;D

This is serious business. 8)

[quote author=fyre link=topic=2632.msg78979#msg78979 date=1240711488]
K...let's try this. http://www.mediafire.com/?4hmz2tnww5z

Where's the Fish
[/quote]

Wow. That really speaks to you, doesn't it?

[Dave]

[quote author=Dave link=topic=2632.msg79031#msg79031 date=1240745136]
ahahahahah WTF

Flatchette Prawkins


thats your fuckign pen name?

why#!?

Umm...no. That's my real name. Something wrong with it?
[/quote]

lol. im guessing you parents went to woodstock?

[quote author=Dave link=topic=2632.msg79032#msg79032 date=1240745472]
your an actual stereotype,

Ya think?
[/quote]
anyone can write this generic 'indie' shit.

[quote author=Dave link=topic=2632.msg79032#msg79032 date=1240745472]
also what is the final voice over about?

The inconsequential nature of mankind's rapacious soul.

did you write that little poem?

Yes.
[/quote]

im presuming when you say ' can the end consume the beggining?' you mean can man fuck up everything

but in a literal sense of course the end ruins the beggining or else it wouldnt be the end would it now, sure it sounds like your the new descartes but you really aren't

'Can the tree speak to the snake'

i hate it when poets just write a list of questions and they they are coming off as thaughtfull, the tree reprisents nature right? and the snake is a reference to the snake from the garden of eden? see this doesnt work because man was clearly set apart from the snake in the bible, and allthrough the snake did ruin shit, it didnt ruin any nature, it just ruined mans chance to live in the garden of eden, can the tree talk to the axe would have worked better, its not like your even trying to get it to rhyme.

i dont get the warm golden part, explain.

[quote author=Dave link=topic=2632.msg79036#msg79036 date=1240745939]
[quote author=fyre link=topic=2632.msg78979#msg78979 date=1240711488]
K...let's try this. http://www.mediafire.com/?4hmz2tnww5z

Where's the Fish
[/quote]

Wow. That really speaks to you, doesn't it?
[/quote]

makes as much sense as the 'nurance' art shit you made.

[Surf314]

I just watched Cashback and that was possibly one of the most enjoyable pretentious art films I have ever seen.  Of course it had a lot of boobies and vaginas.

[fyre]

lol. im guessing you parents went to woodstock?

One of them.

im presuming when you say ' can the end consume the beggining?' you mean can man fuck up everything

but in a literal sense of course the end ruins the beggining or else it wouldnt be the end would it now, sure it sounds like your the new descartes but you really aren't

'Can the tree speak to the snake'

i hate it when poets just write a list of questions and they they are coming off as thaughtfull, the tree reprisents nature right? and the snake is a reference to the snake from the garden of eden? see this doesnt work because man was clearly set apart from the snake in the bible, and allthrough the snake did ruin shit, it didnt ruin any nature, it just ruined mans chance to live in the garden of eden, can the tree talk to the axe would have worked better, its not like your even trying to get it to rhyme.

i dont get the warm golden part, explain.

Dude, you flatter me. None of it means anything. I just felt like writing something weird yesterday. I didn't put more than an hour into it.

That said...if I get a chance, I may film it this summer. Cuz I like this kind of shit.

[Dave]

pretentious twat lol.

[Surf314]

K...let's try this. http://www.mediafire.com/?4hmz2tnww5z

I just read it and I don't know.  You want honest criticism?  I don't think this script knows it's place.  Is it trying to be an art film, or make fun of art films?  It seems like it is trying to parody art films.  But if that's the case you got a campy moment with the gypsies, which doesn't fit in with a art film parody its just camp.  It also seems like a collection of moments meant to tell a story, but it's just not cohesive enough.  If it is intentionally not cohesive than it needs to be more exaggerated.

I think you need to ask yourself the following questions to re-write this draft:

What is the story I am trying to tell?
-You need to have a clear story idea even if the story itself is intentionally unclear, you need to know the boundaries of what you tell and what you allude to.  Even if you only present snapshots you should have a clear idea of everything that is going on off camera and present your work in a way that will let people work it out or get an idea.  Otherwise you will just piss them off.  If you want a good example of someone who can present a very complex and complete story through snapshots read Brian Wood's comics - specifically Local.

What is the story telling vehicle?
-Again the way you tell the story is as important in film as what you are trying to tell.  It needs to work together with the story to give you a feeling of the story.  Like Momento was told out of sequence to give you the feeling of suffering from the same thing as the main character.  Noir stories are all done in black and white with lots of fog and lense glow to give you a tense and surreal but disoriented feeling.  Clerks in most parts felt like it was being filmed from security cameras.  Il Postino is very personal, giving you more time than needed in shots to feel like you are with the characters.  I could go on, but you need to think about how you want to organize the story to best tell it and how you want to film it to complement the mood of the story you are trying to tell.

Is the script cohesive?
-This is very important even for a beginners first short film.  You have to pick something and stick with it.  If it is a satire of art films it can't have camp.  If it is an art film it can't have parody.  You have to pick something and cut out everything that doesn't add to it.  You can build on it, make it more complex, but if you muddy it with other things it will just confuse and bore the watcher.  I just saw this indie film called "How to be" with my wife and it could have been good but it meandered around for too long.  There was the story it was trying to tell and the story it told.  It spent too long in places that didn't add to the story or further it along, and the organization method chose to help tell the story (chapter headings of a self help book) was too inconsistent to be useful.  You can blend genres and story telling methods but there has to be a point to it and it has to go somewhere.

I will be expecting a second draft on my desk by next week.

[fyre]

^^

Like I said, this isn't a serious script in any way. It's just an exercise in silliness. Yesterday was such a beautiful day that it seemed appropriate to waste it by sitting in my sunroom, listening to St. Vincent, and writing something fun. (Fun for me, not necessarily fun for anyone else.)

That said, I really appreciate all of your advice, and I'm sure it will prove useful for other things that I write. Although, now that I think about it, I probably could make it into something relatively worthwhile. I'll think about it.

pretentious twat lol.

Dave understands me. :-*

[fyre]

I just wrote the first part of a song. Like all of my work, it is tasteful, literary, a bit confusing, and ever so slightly amusing. The tune is in my head, but I haven't wrote it out yet. Rest assured, however, that it is incredible.



well you know baby...you know what i'd like to do

i just want...to come all over you

but the other day...i was talking to your dad

and i got the distinct impression...this would make him quite mad

so tell me baby...what should i do?

i'd hate to give up my dreams...concerning you

but you know your dad...you know he's got a gun

and you know...you know he ain't no fun

but pretty baby...what can i say?

i've always heard...that you're a decent lay

[Radio Raheem]

your song sucks just like you

[Geoff]

Jesus Christ I want this so bad, it's only like 80 bucks:

http://www.siliconera.com/2009/01/23/int...tor-micro/

[Squishy3]

Jesus Christ I want this so bad, it's only like 80 bucks:

http://www.siliconera.com/2009/01/23/int...tor-micro/

Meanwhile I have all that with my PSP, and can play all those as well as PSP and PS1 games. And you can play the arcade stuff 2-player.

[Wedge]

Jesus Christ I want this so bad, it's only like 80 bucks:

http://www.siliconera.com/2009/01/23/int...tor-micro/

So is a used PSP that does all that + PS1 support... still it's the first competent portable chinese emulation device that's come out (most were only NES/Genesis emulators)

[Geoff]

[quote author=Geoff link=topic=2632.msg79105#msg79105 date=1240782933]
Jesus Christ I want this so bad, it's only like 80 bucks:

http://www.siliconera.com/2009/01/23/int...tor-micro/

So is a used PSP that does all that + PS1 support... still it's the first competent portable chinese emulation device that's come out (most were only NES/Genesis emulators)
[/quote]

I know, but it's tiny and fits in your pocket :<.  (not what she said)

[Squishy3]

[quote author=Wedge link=topic=2632.msg79107#msg79107 date=1240783221]
[quote author=Geoff link=topic=2632.msg79105#msg79105 date=1240782933]
Jesus Christ I want this so bad, it's only like 80 bucks:

http://www.siliconera.com/2009/01/23/int...tor-micro/

So is a used PSP that does all that + PS1 support... still it's the first competent portable chinese emulation device that's come out (most were only NES/Genesis emulators)
[/quote]

I know, but it's tiny and fits in your pocket :<.  (not what she said)
[/quote]My PSP fits in my pocket too.

[zaneyard]

I just watched Cashback and that was possibly one of the most enjoyable pretentious art films I have ever seen.  Of course it had a lot of boobies and vaginas.

yay, that's been on my instant queue on netflix for a while

[fyre]

your song sucks just like you

But...but...I spent five whole minutes on it! :-\ Anyway, you like Britney. [/discussion]

[Scary Womanizing Pig Mask]

! I knew MGS4 was good, but this is insane. I don't know what it is about it, but the gameplay just feels so right, like MGS1.

[Geoff]

! I knew MGS4 was good, but this is insane. I don't know what it is about it, but the gameplay just feels so right, like MGS1.

uhh what are we talkin about