Funny Jokes

[3clipse]

Got any? If so, SHARE : D

[Surf314]

For some reason all I can think of is some Catholic jokes so here it goes.

The apostles Peter and John where sitting just outside the gates of heaven one Sunday admiring god's creation when Peter noticed that Bishop Thomas playing golf.  Peter called John over and said "look down there Bishop Thomas is playing golf on a Sunday, what is he doing playing golf it's a holy day."  John said "You're right lets go get Jesus and see what he has to say about this."

So they go get Jesus and call him over and show him Bishop Thomas down on earth playing golf and John says "Jesus you can't let him get away with this he's playing golf on a holy day!"  Jesus says "Don't worry my son I'll take care of him."  So Bishop Thomas is getting ready to tee off at the first hole.  He lines up and swings and it is a beautiful shot sails right unto the green bounces a couple times and falls into the hole.  Peter says "Jesus what are you doing he just got a hole in one!"  Jesus just tells him to be patient.  Next hole same thing happens hole and one.  Next one same thing.  He gets all the way to the 18th hole and Bishop Thomas is nervous, he's about to golf a perfect game.  He lines up hits it and sure enough another hole in one.

Peter and John are absolutely livid, Peter says "I thought you were going to punish him, he just golfed a perfect game.  He might be the only one to ever do that on this course."  Jesus looks at them and says "Who's he going to tell?"

Next one:

There was a mighty rainfall that caused a substantial amount of flooding in the area of a small catholic church.  The Bishop is currently up to his waste in water when a man in a rowboat comes rowing up to the church.  "Hop in the boat I'll save ya" says the man on the boat.  The bishop exclaims "Go save the others, God will save me."  The water rises higher and now the bishop is standing on the furniture when up comes a speedboat.  "Hop in the boat I'll save ya" says the man on the speed boat.  "No, go save the others.  God will save me." exclaims the bishop.  Some time passes and now the bishop is on the roof when up flies a chopper.  They send down a line and a man with a bullhorn shouts "grab hold of the line we'll save ya."  The bishop calls up "No! Go save the others!  God will save me!"  Against the pilots better judgment he flies off.  The bishop is now standing on his tip-toes trying to stay above the water.  It's no use he drowns.

The bishop is now up in heaven and he storms up to god and shouts "What happened I thought you were going to save me!"  God exclaims "What do you mean I sent you a rowboat, a speed boat even a chopper.  What were you waiting for a personal invitation."

Both are better with a scottish accent, which was how they were told to me.

[Tragic Hero]

I got one.

So this married couple is having a hard time saving on money.  They keep making sacrifices in order to save up some money yet it isn't helping.  So the wife thinks "Honey, using up a box of codoms a week is really hitting us in the budget.  Perhaps if we only have sex once a week a box of condoms will last us longer and we will save money that way".  The husband looks at his wife reluctantly and says "Well if you think it will help I will give it a try".

So the wife buys a box and the couple keeps to their routine of sex once a week.  One day though the wife goes to the drawer to check out the box and notices that there are a couple of condoms missing.  The wife gets a little nervous knowing that since they are having sex only once a week the box shouldn't be that low.  So the wife goes to confront her husband.  "Why are we so low on condoms?  We are only fucking once a week so I want an explination"

The husband, without hesitating responds "Well sometimes a man needs to satisfy his needs more than once a week.  So when you are not around I take a condom, put it on, and then jerk off with it on.  I know it uses up a condom but like I said I have needs that need to be satisfied".

The wife, relieved to hear this goes on about her business.  The next day while the wife is at work she realizes how strange her husbands story was.  To get some clarification she goes and tells a male co-worker about how her husband jerks off into condoms and see what he thinks about it.  The co-worker responds "Oh yeah I do that all the time".

"Really?"  The wife says "You jerk off into condoms too?"

"No I lie and cheat on my wife too"

[Dave]

The Declaration of Independance.

[Eschatos]

The Declaration of Independance.

The Queen of England.

[Budr]

[quote author=Dave link=topic=997.msg25819#msg25819 date=1217342330]
The Declaration of Independance.

The Queen of England.
[/quote]

The Second Amendment

[Dave]

[quote author=Dave link=topic=997.msg25819#msg25819 date=1217342330]
The Declaration of Independance.

The Queen of England.
[/quote]

aHA jokes on you, Im from the north!

[Budr]

[quote author=Eschatos link=topic=997.msg25821#msg25821 date=1217342617]
[quote author=Dave link=topic=997.msg25819#msg25819 date=1217342330]
The Declaration of Independance.

The Queen of England.
[/quote]

aHA jokes on you, Im from the north!
[/quote]

:

[Mission Difficult]

What's the difference between eating pussy and eating pizza?


With pizza you can eat the crust.

[MrGrey]

a little boy walks in on his mom taking a shower..

he asks his dad what he saw

his dad replies, "thats your mothers cookie"

the kid then says, "well then whats a cunt"

the father replies, "thats the rest of mommy"

[ainmosni]

A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
the president one of the latest talking computers.
Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
and it'll give the correct answer.  Computer, what is the
speed of light?"
Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
Computer: George Washington.
President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
Where is my father?"
Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
years ago!"
Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
landed a twelve pound bass.

[Sponson]

Your momma is so fat, she needs bigger clothes.

[ScottyGrayskull]

Your momma is so fat, she needs bigger clothes.

Your momma is so fat, she appeals to my secret fetish!

<3 SMBC

[Sponson]

I read 3 comics of that and vomited everywhere.

What did the hobo get for Christmas?

Nothing.

[jorge]

A little kid is standing on the edge of a cliff crying. A guy walks up to him and asks him why he's crying. The kid says, "My parents and my sister were in that car that just went off the cliff and I got thrown free before it went over." To which the guy replied, "Shit...its just not your lucky day is it kid?" whilst unzipping his fly.

[Sponson]

Why did the paramedic refuse to save the dying child?

Because he was off-duty.

Why couldn't the child attend school?

Because he had terminal cancer.

[jorge]

Q: What's funnier than watching a dog chase its tail?
A: Watching a paraplegic chase its dreams.

[Dave]

Q: What's funnier than watching a dog chase its tail?

A: kicking a paraplegic.

[Benito Mussolini]

Q: What's funnier than watching a dog chase its tail?

A: Dave chasing his tail

[ScottyGrayskull]

Wow... the quality of jokes declined fast. Come on guys, you can do better than that!